Dear Mom, Dear John.

to clarify,
my mom kicked me out for being gay
our conversations are similar
my life parallels yours. thank you for documenting it. it helps to know i'm not alone.

Sat, 23 Oct 2010 12:28:12 -0500

Reading some of the things your mom has said to you gave me shivers. It’s eerie how similar our mothers are.

My Mom has radically changed her approach. Now she sends me sermons that she has written for me. She doesn’t talk about me being gay anymore. It isn’t good, but it’s kind of better.

I miss the way things used to be.

More Suspense Than TS3

Sun, 26 Sep 2010 13:03:43 -0500

I was in the theater watching Toy Story 3 when I got this text from Mom:

Hey honey are you working? Can you call me when you have a minute?

This always makes me nervous. I asked what was wrong and she said:

Probably nothing. Just need to tell you about some test results. Very strong possibility that it’s nothing. I told Bart and wanted you to know.

There was no way I was going to sit through the rest of the movie after that. Toy Story 3 is an excellent film, but I’ve seen it before.

An ultrasound revealed that my mother has two ovarian cysts - one on each ovary. One is quite large. They very probably are not cancerous, but we will know more tomorrow once she has a CT scan.

I’m scared.

Today's Text

Fri, 24 Sep 2010 15:51:46 -0500

Dear John,

I love you. :)

-Mom

Things are getting better.

I know you have been doing a lot of Googling

Thu, 09 Sep 2010 21:58:00 -0500

Mom,

I embrace your new-found happiness and I am so glad that you and Dad can bond over what you have discovered together. I truly think that it will be an incredible source of joy for you in all of your years and beyond.

I am not going to hell. I have never been afraid of death, and I have had complete faith in God for my whole life.

It hasn’t always been easy. At one time I rejected myself as being unholy and disgusting. You say that you regret not being there for us in this way when we were little, but maybe everything happens for a reason. Your lack of input on my sexuality while I was growing up was probably necessary for me to learn to be ok with myself, to be how God made me. These changes in our family had to happen for you to find yourself in God and to meet Dad on the path of Christianity. I do not yet know what all of this will mean for Bart and Josh, but I hope that they will be true to themselves.

I know that no matter what happens, we will have the strength to hold on to our family. It is not worth it to throw away something amazing in search of something we may think of as perfect. We should try to be good, but never expect “perfection” from others; it is impossible. We are only human.

Bart and I are both aware of the health risks involved in intercourse, homosexual and otherwise. Please, do not seek to educate me on that subject. I have studied enough microbiology and physiology to know how disease spreads. I know that you guys have been doing a lot of googling lately, but I have been seeking to understand human sexuality for the larger part of my life.

I had a wonderful time with you guys on Monday. I know that we can still celebrate the love that we have for one another. I know that we can do what Bart referred to as agreeing to disagree.

I love you.

John

Brother Bart Fights Back

Thu, 09 Sep 2010 21:50:00 -0500

Dear Mom,

I’m very happy for you! It makes me smile to see that you are so happy with your new found faith. But when you say things like, “I will not rest until you two turn your lives around” it scares me. If you want to keep pushing your religious beliefs on me, I will push my beliefs back on you. And I know that both of us are obviously set in our ways and it is not going to get us anywhere.

So what are my beliefs? I believe in the here and now. I don’t believe in a supernatural God or being of power whom we need to follow and praise in order to spend our eternity in paradise. And why should I? All we have as biological beings is the short time we have on this planet. After that, our bodies (molecules, atoms, tissue, etc.) degrade and get recycled into Earth. And that’s it! I don’t loose any sleep at night worrying about where I will go when I die, because thinking that my spirit body will be eating Ice Cream on the clouds with ghost Jesus OR being whipped by sexy demons in S&M gear in the fiery bowels of Hell are both ridiculous ideas. Yeah, yeah I know those are just what people picture, but you know what I’m trying to say. You say, “Life has no purpose if the Bible is not true. Why live at all? Why amass anything if our lives are over 50 years from now and that’s the end? If that was true, I would rather die right now then spend my remaining years struggling with this life.” Obviously this statement is not true for me! Life is not a struggle! It is a joyous experience, where all we can do is care for each other. Why do you think I went into medicine? I care so much about people, I want to keep them living and free to enjoy life.

Now on to the podcast/sermon thing. Although he didn’t cite where he got his statistics from, I will concede that levels of AIDS and other STDs are much higher among homosexual men than heterosexual. But correlation does NOT equal causation. Being gay does not give you AIDS; having unprotected sex with an HIV infected individual gives you AIDS. Otherwise why is the level of AIDS so high among black, heterosexual women? Or the skyrocketing levels of AIDS among heterosexuals in Africa? Not because they are having gay sex, but because they are having unprotected sex with infected individuals. If you are dumb enough to have sex (protected or unprotected) with an individual who you don’t trust and know with 100% certainty that they are disease-free, then you have only yourself to blame (NOT your sexuality). Do you think HIV-positive gay men are screaming, “Curse this homosexuality that gave me AIDS!”? No, they’re saying, “Man, that was really dumb of me to have a one-night stand with Clay Aiken.” Being gay does not mean you have to participate in what you view as the “stereotypically gay lifestyle.”

Look, I’m just tired of arguing with you because neither of us will ever get anywhere. You can never prove that there is a God and I can never prove that there isn’t a God. Can’t we just peacefully coincide and agree to disagree?

Love,

Bart

Word Count: 2510

Thu, 09 Sep 2010 21:42:00 -0500

Yes, I know this e-mail is long and you have studying to do….but this is so much more important than anything you are doing right at this moment……just read it and know that every word is coming from my heart.

Dear Bart and John,

This is going to be very hard for me to say to you, but I love you so much that I can’t keep this in anymore. Bart, you don’t know this yet but I have turned my life around, yes….I am a totally new person! I was a “pretend” Christian who knew all the right things, who tried to live my life in the right way, who said all the right things, who taught SS, and who went to church most

Sundays…but I just didn’t get it (maybe you already knew that about me by the way I acted). Did you see me reading my Bible regularly while you boys were growing up? No, you didn’t and I am ashamed of the way I played with God. I will share my story with you, Bart when you want to hear it. John heard my story last weekend when we were in the Cities and Josh heard it last night. I think that’s why our family is falling apart right now because we weren’t saved ourselves so how could we show you the way?

I like to think…and blame…that some of this had to do with my Lutheran beliefs (which was once you are baptized you are saved no matter what you do…which is extremely funny now!), but the truth is my pride was keeping me from wanting a personal relationship with God. When people talked about changing and being “born again” I was turned off and was scornful and felt like that wasn’t for me and it was kind of scary and whacky and maybe I was a little jealous (yes, the Lutheran church stays away from “selling” this concept too)…I even told people that I didn’t need that because I’ve always had faith. I’ve known Jesus my whole life, I knew he was the Son of God, I proclaimed I loved him, I knew he came to save us, but I didn’t get it. My eyes have been opened…mainly because God is using this “sorrow of life” news of John to finally break through my pride and my stubbornness…and I am coming on my knees every night to Him.

I can’t seem to get enough of the Bible, which is amazing in itself! Do you know how awesome the Bible is? I never knew. I read it, I knew it was “stories” about God and Jesus, but I didn’t really understand it or really care to understand it. Sometimes now I can’t get out of the van because I’m listening to the radio and someone is on there explaining something about the Bible that I’ve never “heard” before! Do you really know that this is God’s words? What did I think it was? Every day I am saying…a lot…that “God loves me.” I think if you say this enough, it will make you smile. Try it. Don’t do it the way I was, which was saying that I love God…..which didn’t stop me from doing anything I wanted to do or make me want to change.

Since John “saved me” I will not rest until you two (4 of you actually) turn your lives around. Do you know where you are going when you die? We are only promised today…tomorrow someone could hit you with their car…you could have a heart attack….or a brain or heart aneurism…like Ron Stellmaker just had. Don’t waste your life on pride like I was. Don’t wait 51 years. Eternity is impossible to imagine….hell is being separated from God. Lots of people who say, “Lord Lord will not be going to heaven” according to the Bible.

Do you know how easy it is? Sometimes it’s too easy…and also the hardest thing to do in the Whole World because you know you have to want it and you know it will change your life! Why would you want to do this? What is holding you back?

All of us have a hole in our lives that we are trying to stuff with other things. Mine was being stuffed with a few things like shopping, wanting lots of things including our house, my friends, and raising my boys and taking care of my family (the last two aren’t bad things…it’s just that you came before God in my life). Figure out what your hole is…what are you trying to fill it with? Some people use money, bars, clothes, shopping, drugs, friends, socializing, anger, alcohol, work, sex, school, even other people…look around you and actually look at what your friends are trying to fill their hole with….it will amaze you. A young man in Duluth just killed himself, he was around 28 and I just heard this morning that he loved a girl who didn’t love him…he filled his hole with her.

The hole is actually there on purpose….we are supposed to be filling it with a personal relationship with Christ. We get to make a choice. God has to come first…before anyone else in my life. I have to talk to him, I have to learn about him, I have to have Him as my best friend, and I have to live my life as he wants me to and as an example to other people…and from that - it turns into wanting it. Try it and you can be 10 times more loving with the people in your lives! Suddenly, it’s not about you anymore….and it’s really freeing!

How……do we do this? Do you have faith? Do you love God? Do you want to change? That hole inside you is waiting….what are you filling your hole with? Do you want me to tell you boys what I see you filling that space with? I know it’s not Christ.

1 - be honest about yourself - tell God what you are ashamed of - get some soul searching confession going. Tell God that you agree with Him! Don’t hold back…let your mind flow as you form lists of things you know are your sins. If you really really want to do this, don’t hold back the ones that you aren’t sure you want to get rid of….name them all! Believe me, God knows them but you have to name them.

2 - Repent. Try to get rid of those things in your life that you know God is upset about. Put that blinker on…..get off the freeway and turn your car around…go the other way. Start living your life without the sins that you mentioned to God…..write them down if it helps you! Keep learning about him! Keep asking for him to show you more sins and the way he wants you to live! The Bible has amazing instructions. You aren’t going to be hit with a lightning bolt….but you will start noticing little changes…

3 - know who God is, know who Christ is….know that God loves you way more than any person on Earth will ever love you!

4 - Get restored - tell someone that you did this…..get help if you need it…call someone…don’t block out God’s love. Watch for signs that make you sensitive to your sins….especially when you see your sins that you named in yourself in other people and they make you shudder a little. This honestly will happen….I know, it just happened to me. I actually shudder when I shop now and I also shudder when I hear someone being super critical. Start reading the Bible or listening to someone else. There are amazing people out there who can explain things like I’ve never heard explained before.

If you do this, you will find a God today that loves you and has an amazing plan for you!

Now, the other reason I am writing this is because I heard today on the radio that we aren’t to judge people…except if they are hurting themselves or other people, and then we can go to them in love and help them see where they are going wrong in their lives. If you want me to…I can be blunt with his…are you going to heaven or hell? Yes, before I did this I had to ask myself the same question and realized that I was on the train heading quickly to hell. John caused me to jump off!

You guys have all three asked why we are upset about John’s choice of a life…..if you can be honest and listen to something, I think it will tell you everything that we can’t seem to say to you. Yes, you can rationalize, yes you can deny, yes you can disagree, yes you can argue, yes you can say this isn’t true…but we know that God made John perfect. Period. Just like he made us perfect. He also has an amazing life planned for John and a much better life then the one that John is exploring (and for you too Bart) but if you don’t want his plan for you…keep on the road you are on….you will probably have an okay life…..you will never feel amazing joy…..you will never know what you turned down…..you will struggle…you will not understand why things aren’t making you happier (my life showed that)……you will keep filling that hole with “stuff” and people that will never make you complete, and the hardest thing to accept is that you won’t be going to heaven. Don’t believe the “God loves me so much that he doesn’t care what I do with my life.” Or…Jesus came here to love everyone, not to judge…..is that true?

Can you be bold? Can you listen to something that will insult you and maybe hurt you both? I love you enough to jeopardize our relationship to try to get you to listen to this. Last night, Dad, Josh and I sat in the office at home and listened to this broadcast. It was hard to hear and hard to believe….and it hurt. We all talked about it and agreed that you should both hear this. Josh especially wanted you to hear this John because he loves you so so so much! If you will listen to this for about 10-15 mins I think you will understand why we don’t want this life for John……go to a quiet place and hit the broadcast….maybe say a quick prayer first that you will realize that this is sent to you with complete love, not with condemnation, not with a spirit of being mean, not with being holier then thou, just with complete and utter love….just listen to what Chip Ingram has to say and think about it and then afterwards you can be mad at me, you can hate me, you can laugh at me, you can explain it away……or you can cry…..like it made me cry….

If we don’t warn someone in error to turn from evil, we are partly responsible. James 5:20 Also, I know there are a lot of verses condemning people who are causing someone to stumble…I’m not ever going to give up on either of you. If I agree with your choices, then I am sinning and am just as guilty because I will have encouraged both of you in your sins. God is so disappointed in me for not doing this earlier. If I love you, I will never give up…even if it means you won’t want to see us.

I am trying to stand in your way John…..before you take another step….you too Bart. Either the Bible is true or it isn’t. I’m not willing to gamble with my life and I don’t want you to be rolling the dice when you die…but maybe you are braver then I am. If you don’t believe this broadcast then study the Greek culture at the time that Paul was writing to them…they were pretty much having sex with anyone, everything, and everyone…including idols, and all because they weren’t hearing the moral code of the Bible. We are smarter then this…we do know the moral code of the Bible. If you love your friends, you would want them to hear this too….even as hard as it is to hear…and I will want Bonnie to hear it.

Luke 11:28 Jesus replied, “Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it.”

Luke 13:3 (Jesus) “I tell you no! But unless you repent you too will all perish.” (sounds judgmental to me…..)

Luke 13:23-30 (answers who is going to heaven)

Ok, I know I can quote Bible verses all day long….but it won’t do any good if you don’t believe the Bible…read it for yourself….especially the New Testament.

Here is the broadcast…listen…please….even if you don’t want to…….for John….and because I love both of you so much that I can’t stop. I would be your sorrow of life if it would mean that you would change. Both of you. We don’t want you guys to be happy, we want you to be holy. People who are searching for happiness find out it’s pretty empty and they destroy people along the way and themselves. Ask yourself who of your friends is truly, utterly happy…..and ask yourself who among your friends has amazing joy and peace….because that’s what we have now…and we’re going to be obnoxious and annoying…and incredibly happy, even in our trials!

http://vodpod.com/watch/973236-homosexuality-a-medical-and-biblical…

Know how much your dad and I love both of you and want you to know the truth, not the lies…who is wanting to keep John in this life? Who doesn’t want John to have eternal life? Who doesn’t want John to find out what God’s plan is for him? I don’t want that to be you Bart. Don’t hold him to his choices…..give him some doubts, let him find his way back..maybe you are the one who is supposed to be standing in John’s way and you are ignoring the prodding because it might mean that you were wrong…(don’t sacrifice your brother for your pride)…about everything….( I fully admit that I was wrong in my beliefs about my faith)….I have little or not pride left….feel free to criticize me and to hurt me….I can take it. The only thing I will not argue about is what the word says…..that is the only thing that we have when the waves are crashing (wise man and the foolish man). Life has no purpose if the Bible is not true. Why live at all? Why amass anything if our lives are over 50 years from now and that’s the end? If that was true, I would rather die right now then spend my remaining years struggling with this life. Really truly think about that…..because I know the truth…and I will defend the truth…which is a lot easier to defend and believe then the lies that satan wants you to believe. God made us perfect in his sight…just like Him!

Dear Reader,

Wed, 08 Sep 2010 18:06:12 -0500

In the quest to make my family perfect my parents are throwing away something beautiful. My brothers and I are great kids and we love our parents very much. We are doing well. We are healthy. It breaks my heart that what I am isn’t good enough.

My mom and dad are coming to visit me for the day tomorrow. I don’t want to give them an ultimatum, but I need to be up front with them. They can have me this way, or not at all.

I watched a movie today: “The Kids Are All Right.” It was incredible. I guess it must have hit home a little hard because I cried for like half the movie. Broken families are all too common.

Don't Send Me Links... But Here's A Link

Wed, 08 Sep 2010 09:08:13 -0500

Dear John,

I know you could be sending me tons of stuff that you have found on the Internet……thank you for not doing that.

Please click on this link and read one person’s story. Just one more time….and I won’t send you anything else.

There is one word that I want to leave with you Adam, it is “Ask.” Ask Jesus if this is his plan for you, ask him if there is another way. Ask him into your heart. Ask Him to show you His Glory. Ask him to be with you every minute of every day. Ask him to show you His love.

You don’t have to read this, but maybe this one story will touch your heart like it did mine.

http://michaelglatze.blogspot.com/

I know you aren’t mine….you are God’s and I am giving you over to him.

Pray the Lord’s Prayer every day….Put your name in it.

I love you.

Pronouns Are Law

Sun, 05 Sep 2010 12:12:00 -0500

Dear John,

Let’s not do the argument about what the Bible says about Homosexuality…instead….can you Google what Jesus said about marriage? Would that make it easier? Let’s make this simple.

You think I am judging you…I am not. I need to be judged too…I am not an expert by any means. I admit that I am sinful and need help every day.

I’m not sure if you have a Bible with you or not so I copied this for

you….feel free to disregard this if you want because I copied it and look up your own verses about marriage in the New Testament and only look at what Jesus says…..

“It is a popular myth that Jesus himself did not say anything about same-sex relationships or marriage. He says in Mark 10:6-8 - “…at the beginning of creation, God made them male and female. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife…” and in both Matthew 6:31-32 and Mark 10:10-12 Jesus speaks of marriage and divorce being between a man and a woman, clearly using feminine and masculine terms. It is clear He never considers man with man or woman with woman” [unknown source].

Can you sing your rejoice song? Every day? I will too because I can hear you singing it still!

I love you!

Your blog is so captivating. I don't always manage to read everything, but everything I do read is just very compelling. It's saddening, maddening, encouraging, and emotional.

I call myself Christian, and I call myself gay. And I've found by reading the Bible, that I can justify both lives without contradicting them. I came out to my mother a few months ago and she was very understanding about it. I'm sorry that your mother doesn't seem to as much, but you are handling this in the best way possible.

The best of luck with this, and may God bless you and your family.

Sun, 05 Sep 2010 11:58:51 -0500

Thanks for the feedback!

Sometimes it can be really hard to keep doing this. I love my family more than anything in the world, but it feels a lot like I’m walking back into a house that’s burning down to save them.

Dad Has Something To Say

Sun, 05 Sep 2010 11:49:00 -0500

Good morning, John. Mom and I are trying to decide which church to try this morning.

I’ve been meaning to follow up our walk around the lake with a note, so here it is. My belief that homosexuality is a sin is based on two things - one is that the Bible says it is wrong several times in both the old and the new testament, and we need to follow what the Bible says.

There are 3 types of laws from the Old Testament - Moral, Ceremonial, and Civil. When Jesus said that he did not come to change the Old Testament laws, he was referring to the moral laws, which are about the conduct of people (and told us that homosexuality is a sin). Old Testament Ceremonial laws were about services in the sanctuary and how to offer sacrifices. Christ’s death on the cross made salvation available to each of us without any other sacrifice necessary, so the Ceremonial laws were abolished by Christ’s death. Old Testament Civil laws were given to Israel as a nation in Old Testament times, just as any nation has laws for enforcing law and order. When Israel ceased to be a nation, those civil laws were no longer valid. They were never meant for any other nation or people.

So when the Old Testament and the New Testament clearly state what God intends - that sex is for marriage between a man and a woman, that is as clear a direction as anything coming from the Bible, and it is as true today as ever. You can find people that look for ways to distort that truth, but that doesn’t make it any less true. Once you go down that path, then everything is relative. Nothing is true.

When I first started studying the Bible as an adult, that was an amazing revelation for me. If you believe in Christ, you have to believe in the Bible, and if you believe in the Bible, then the whole thing is relevant for guiding your life. Not just parts of it, and not just some of the time. All of it, all the time.

This is why Mom and I are leaving the ELCA. By saying that ordained ministers can be homosexuals, the ELCA is departing from the truth of the Bible. They are using their limited human capabilities of understanding the world and putting a higher priority on accepting everyone’s behaviors than on what the Bible says. Human society always works like a pendulum. Behavior swings one way too far (homosexuals were hated, beaten up and murdered not too long ago) and reacts by swinging too far the other way (there is nothing wrong with same sex marriages). The pendulum has swung too far, but we can’t predict when it will hit the top and start swinging back down.

I stated that belief in the Bible is one of two reasons I know homosexuality is wrong. The other is that when you become a Christian, the Holy Spirit enters you. From that point forward, He guides your every step, so you know when something you are doing is wrong, and when it is right. We aren’t always good at listening to or obeying the Holy Spirit, but He is always there, speaking to us. The more you obey, the better you can hear and understand.

I regret not doing a better job of teaching you these things when you were a child. I just pray that your mind and heart are opened to the truths of the Bible and the Holy Spirit today. I pray, as I did with you in the car that day - that God will guide me, and He will guide you. I love you!

There Are No Monsters in the Dark

Sat, 28 Aug 2010 12:23:24 -0500

Dear Mom,

I’m not angry with you mom! Please don’t read my messages that way. That’s why I hate sending messages like this. You can never tell how the other person is talking. I’m not saying anything in anger. I do get frustrated sometimes, which I bet you probably understand.

Whenever I am nervous or anxious or worried about anything, I pray and God melts all my fear away. Every day he does this for me. Cast all your anxiety, your doubt, put it on him and you will have nothing to be afraid of. There are no monsters in the dark. Only God is there beside you.
When I said that I didn’t want you to have hope, you really latched on to that. That isn’t what I meant. I said that I didn’t want you to have false hope. I didn’t want you to hope for the wrong thing. I want you to hope for us to come out of this as a stronger and happier family than we ever have been. You have already seen that you love me more than you ever knew, now imagine all that your love can accomplish!

You need to realize something. We can both agree that the most important thing is to believe in Jesus, above all else. I do believe in Jesus and I pray all the time. I can’t say the same for your other son. You know this, and yet you choose to focus on me? Why?

Your response to this does not stem from your Christian beliefs, otherwise you would be responding much more strongly to what [my brother] has told you. He would be the one you would be mailing bibles to and trying to drag to church. I do go to church sometimes! I go with my friends! I haven’t been able to very often lately, but I always find time for God in my own life.

The fact of the matter is, you just don’t want me to be gay. That’s all there is to it. I get that. I really do, but you have to learn to understand and accept it. I’m not going away and I’m not going to change.

I feel like there are still so many great things I can do in this world, mom. The possibilities are limitless! I can do so much, but I need your support and encouragement. I need to be able to talk to you about my future and my day to day life. You need to be able to help me out without getting hung up on this. Have some faith in me!

Afraid of the Dark

Sat, 28 Aug 2010 12:20:55 -0500

Dear John,

Please don’t take a stand against us. Please soften your heart.

Really, this is not about how it makes me feel. Well, maybe it is……What it makes me feel, if you must know, is that we will lose you. You will lose yourself. If you really want to know how it feels to me, it feels very dark. You make me feel scared. You make me shake. Yes, I am shaking and my heart is pounding with fear.

I am afraid that I will turn you away from us…you sound so angry. You sound angry….and it makes me shake. I am afraid of this…I am afraid of losing you to this…..I see no end….it seems hopeless…yet today, I was filled with hope and I felt like singing!!! A song from my childhood came to be today….”God answers prayers in the morning, God answers prayers at noon, God answers prayers in the evening, to keep your heart in tune.” Please pray. Pray as you think we might be praying and see what happens in your life.

John, who loves you more then we do? Who wants to protect you and help you and loves you more then we do? We have only love in our hearts and we are here to help you, whether you want it or not.

If you don’t want me to speak for God, look in the Bible yourself and start reading today. I bought you a Bible today that yelled at me in the store….it is all about Hope (the verses about hope are underlined). You said that we should have no hope….well it seemed kind of ironic that this Bible has all the hope verses highlighted. I will bring it to you or mail it to you.

Also, we still want to come down there every week and take you to church. We will pick you up every weekend….if you won’t go with us, we will sit outside your door. Or we can come down there and wait for you and if you won’t come, we’ll go ourselves.

You are amazing! You are very smart! God loves you. He wants the best for you! Dare to think of your life as escaping from this bondage. I know this might be scary for you too! I know you fought it….please fight a little longer with us this time. Together, we can do this with God!

Please don’t believe everything that you are being told about homosexuality. I’ve heard all of them…..on the Internet. Is that where you are hearing them or have you looked up verses? Look them up, it feels kind of good! I have a bunch more verses for you!

We’ll come down this weekend to pick you up. We’ll talk.

We love you. We love you. We love you.

That Was Not Me

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 16:05:25 -0500

Dear Mom,

When was I ever treated in this way? I have never felt insecure in my masculinity or even poor at sports. I just don’t really enjoy watching them on TV. I always played football with the neighborhood gang and was often among those picked first to play. My friends in elementary school were always the tough kids. You remember them. Why do you let these articles about gay people cloud your view of me?

Effeminate and Sissy

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 16:03:00 -0500

Dear John,

“However, the most common early life disappointments leading to homosexual desires is the result of peer rejections because of a boy’s poor eye-hand and athletic coordination. This is a very difficult weakness to have in a culture that is obsessed with successful athletic performance to the point where it is seen as the major measure of masculinity. Children who are not athletically coordinated are regularly the last to be chosen to join teams and are often the victims of rejection and ridicule. They are referred to regularly in a feminine manner through the use of such painful names as sissy, fairy, and queer. Also, they may be told that they run or act like a girl. As the betrayal pain by their peer continues year after year, these males feel increasingly inadequate, confused, isolated, lonely, and weak. This harsh treatment by peers results in these youngsters having a very poor body image and a poor sense of their masculinity.”

Ok, I’ll stop soon. I just keep riding this kind of thing.

People Want Out?

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 15:54:00 -0500

Dear John,

Proverbs 23:7 reads: “As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” (I like this one!)

http://www.leaderu.com/orgs/narth/1995papers/worthen.html

Just read this…ok? Please. I keep seeing the same story over and over…people who have been in the gay lifestyle for a long time, want out.

Born Into Sin

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 15:51:00 -0500

Dear John,

Ok, one more thing….we love you. We are here for you. We want to help you. You have the power to cast this out from you.

If you say you were born into this…well welcome to the club…we were all born in sin. It’s what we do with it that makes us Christians. Your sin is no worse then my many sins. Every day I need help with my sins. I can’t do it alone.

Fighting this will be awful and amazing. Lots of tears. Lots of pain. Lots of happiness. Lots of blessings.

A very long email

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 15:48:46 -0500

Dear John,

My Dear John, I am going to write to you when I feel like you might listen… The more I study this, the more I pray about it, the more I think about, the more that I know I have to keep talking to you. I woke up this morning thinking about how hurt I was that you would not come to us when you were questioning this, that you would tell your friends before you would tell us. This just means that you were afraid that we would try to talk you out of this or try to get you help. You didn’t want to be talked out of this…you wanted this. You showed us disrespect and did not come to us, you went to everyone else…why? You went to everyone else because you knew that they would think this was cool. They would help you on this path. They would confirm that this was right. This almost hurts more then anything else. You knew this was wrong…..very wrong and yet you are seeking to make it right. Please go back to when you were questioning this and see why you were doing that. God was telling you it was wrong.

I wish I could make you see this as I see it. You have a tendency to get fixated on something and you do it again and again. Why do you think we could never have the TV on when you were our precious little boy and trying to study? You could not pull yourself away. We did it for you by turning off the TV. This is really the same thing. You don’t want to be pulled away, it is pleasure filled for you, it makes you feel good. John, when we do something just for ourselves, it is not of God. Please don’t believe the lies that are confirming this to you. No one in this whole wide world loves you more then we do, no one. No one wants to have you live eternally with God as much as we do. Jesus said it was better to get rid of an offending member of our body (like an eye or a tongue) then to be separated from God eternally. Do you really think your friends love you more then we do? Do they want the best for you? Do they care about your salvation? They may care….but about half as much as we do!!!

Sex screws people up. Bottom line. Sex is a gift from God for a man and a woman to bind them together, but people use it for pleasure and it screws them up. Look at all the hurt in the world that happens because of sex. People leaving their families, people hurting children, sexual diseases….I heard a sermon on TV the other day that talked about how easy it is now to screw yourself up because of the Internet. Boom, touch a button and you can watch, look, participate, buy, fixate, and cheat on your loved ones. Temptation.

You say that the New Testament doesn’t say anything against this….isn’t that the same about lots of things that you know are wrong? How do we know they are wrong? Jesus gave us brains and told us parables because he wanted us to figure things out for ourselves. He didn’t want to spoon feed us. When you are helping students with their math, do you just tell them the answers or do you try to get them to figure it out for themselves? I think Jesus is the same way. He wants us to learn things by working them out and reading the Bible and following him. The Old Testament is very clear about keeping yourself away from this. Read it. Jesus lived the Old Testament…he didn’t come to erase the Old Testament. Don’t take apart the Bible and find things to support your cause. That is what the devil wants you to do. Really really look at it….see how dark this life is. Uncover your eyes. Listen to your heart.

Go back to church, go talk to a minister, read your Bible, and pray and pray and pray, just like we are doing. Get away from this life.

You say that you don’t want us to have hope. If this is true and you don’t want us to try to change you or you don’t want to turn away from this…then I’m not sure where we go from here. Isn’t Jesus all about hope? Love? Faith? If we have no hope, we don’t have anything. You will have destroyed our family….which was put together by God. Yes, I believe that. Our family will never be the same…..we will not rejoice in this….

On the other hand, if you have the tiniest doubt that blooms somewhere in your heart, we will nurture that, we will move mountains, we will sing and dance, we will hold you forever, we will shout it from the roof tops, and we will praise God for saving all of us.

It’s all up to you John. Another thing that Jesus said was, “You should not be of this world.” Homosexuality is definitely of this world, not of Jesus. I believe in miracles and I am praying for one every day.

I believe that the devil works harder on people who make a difference for Jesus. Do you remember Doug Dodson? He had an amazing gift of explaining the Bible to people. He would just talk about one verse and suddenly it was clear to me what it was supposed to mean. He had 500 people going to a new church in our city that he started and he had a wonderful family with six beautiful children. He turned his back on all of this…and walked into homosexuality and is now selling insurance in Arizona. The church fell apart and the people ( most of whom had never gone to church before) left and were disillusioned. His family was devastated. Those children will never be the same.

Talk about the devil working hard on someone who was making a difference for God! I think I heard once that the worst thing you can do is to take away someone’s faith. Lots of people lost their faith. Is this of God?

I think that you have a heart for God. You have a light in you that could make a difference to people. The devil wants you to work for him. You can say that I’m corny and stupid but I believe in the darkness and in evil. It is all around us and we can’t give in. This is of the devil. He wants you. The thing about loving Jesus is that you have to choose him. He loves us but he doesn’t force us. We can’t force you either. If you want turn toward a life of a homosexual, you are turning away from us and from Jesus. You get to choose your own path. Picture yourself on that Angel cliff in Utah…if you choose the wrong way, you will go over the edge and will be lost. We are waiting on the other side with open arms (ok, I would really climb that for you and do this even if it scared me to death!). Please read about the statistics for the life of the homosexual. Very very scary. I won’t try to give them to you because you will just argue with me about them. Think about why sex works, it doesn’t work the way you think it will. It is not clean.

There is a whole article that I found that was really good about homosexuality and the Bible. I didn’t copy the whole thing…just the last couple of paragraphs. Please read it…..

We love you more then you will ever know. We love you. We want your heart to melt and we want you to quit pushing us away. Please open your heart. Please release this from you. Please turn away from this. Please be stronger then you have ever been in your life.

We love you!! We are here for you!! We will help you with everything we have and everything we own.

For some reason…I thought that this might make a difference to you….just these couple of paragraphs. My Grandma used to tell me that this is how God works….you know in your heart that something is wrong or right…..listen to it your heart. Keep it open to the possibility of life and death with him!!!

Just a few paragraphs:

I know that some homosexuals are arrogant and try to justify their sin. Others hate their sin and wish to stop but can’t. We all make choices, and a choice is what we prefer. One may hate the fact that he is a smoker, yet, he “prefers” the feeling he gets from smoking over the feeling he doesn’t get when he runs out of cigarettes or tries to quit. To quit you must have a stronger reason fornot doing something than you have for doing something. It’s all about motivation.

Sometimes just knowing that something is a sin is reason to quit. That is why I quit smoking. I knew it was not good for my health, it was dirty, it was annoying to others, and it was costly, etc. But I did not quit until I became convinced that is was sinning against God. I enjoyed smoking a LOT when I quit. But sometimes it takes a doctor telling you that you will die if you don’t quit a particular life style. But the bottomline is, you won’t stop committing the sin unless and until God Almighty has determined that you will quit. And that is equally true for atheists, although they don’t know or won’t acknowledge that as yet.

Heterosexual men are just as weak when it comes to lusting after women, as homosexuals are when it comes to lusting after members of the same gender. The ONLY way that I know of to break these sins and have victory over them is for God to empower you with a greater motivation to live righteously than to live un-righteously. If what you desire to be is “good,” then there is only One Source:

”And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labor, It is the gift of God” (Ecc. 3:13). ”EVERY good gift and EVERY perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning” (James 1:17).

We will continue to pray for all those who desire to come out of the bondage and slavery of “…the sin which does so easily beset us….” (Heb. 12:1).

"Please don't go down this road"

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 15:25:00 -0500

Dear John,

I will not rest, I will not stop praying, I will not stop fighting, I will protect you, I will love you, I will do everything in my power to help you….but I can not make you change your ways. Jesus can and you can. That is the bottom line. We have to have faith and wehave to have hope. Nothing else matters, not your degree, not yourself, not your life. Your soul is under fire and you are so very strong, you can run from this. Run to Jesus. You can run to us. I want you to continue to live as Jesus wants you to live, clean, sex-free, pure. We will help you, we will be here for you. We will come down to the Cities every week and we will talk. We can talk on the phone every day. We will stand together with you. We are on our knees every day for you. We are asking for God’s wisdom for us and for Him to open your eyes and to open your ears so that you can see and hear His plan for you.

Or, you can come home. We can do this together. The bottom line is that this is a very dangerous life choice and it is Biblically wrong. Yes, we can continue to have this argument over and over again but The Bible is not the only source, look at the other source, yourself. You were made for a woman. That’s it. The whole truth. Your body was made that way, by God and sex is only supposed to be used after you are married. Everything else is wrong.

If you only knew how sad, devastated, disappointed, and hurt your father and I are, then you know without a doubt, that your Father in Heaven, who loves you sooooo much more then we can, is hurt even worse. He is your Father. You are hurting him.

This is not a gay lifestyle, it is painful, hurtful, and wrong. Come back to us. Come back to Jesus and His love.

Please don’t go down this road. Please give us a year of trying to do something together to help you and to help us. This way is dark and we can not follow you down this path.

I know you are getting tired of my messages. I don’t know how else to deal with my extreme pain.

Is my argument futile?

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 15:04:00 -0500

Dear Mom,

Dad has spoken to me about how the reason he believes it is to be gay is that he feels the holy spirit within him opposes it (I’m struggling to paraphrase here). You do not speak for God and neither do I. Let him speak for himself on this issue and turn to the bible.

There are only two passages in the bible that mention homosexuality and that’s only in more recent versions that have been updated by the Catholic church. Earlier versions do NOT mention homosexuality, only the male prostitutes of Sodom. This is the reason why there is so much controversy surrounding homosexuality and the church. Different denominations are forced to take their own stand on the issue and many have come to realize that arguing over something like this just isn’t worth it. They find that they are turning people away from God by judging and rejecting.

You are forming your own opinion on this not based on what you have learned at your church, but based on how it makes you feel. Stop! Open your own heart to accept me for what I am. Open up your heart and let the sunshine in.

I have taken a stand on this issue and will continue to do so. I continue without fear for I have the joy and protection of God and I know that he will guide me and lead me down the right path. I know that one day you will come to terms with this, because of the love in your own heart. I have faith that we will be able to be a family this way.

Dear Mom, Dear John.

to clarify, my mom kicked me out for being gay our conversations are similar my life parallels yours. thank you for documenting it. it helps to know i'm not alone.

More Suspense Than TS3

Today's Text

I know you have been doing a lot of Googling

Brother Bart Fights Back

Word Count: 2510

Dear Reader,

Don't Send Me Links... But Here's A Link

Pronouns Are Law

Dad Has Something To Say

There Are No Monsters in the Dark

Afraid of the Dark

That Was Not Me

Effeminate and Sissy

People Want Out?

Born Into Sin

A very long email

"Please don't go down this road"

Is my argument futile?

to clarify,
my mom kicked me out for being gay
our conversations are similar
my life parallels yours. thank you for documenting it. it helps to know i'm not alone.